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Sunday, 08 November 2009

moved
Moved.. not moved blog but I've moved home. Closing the last chapter and starting a new one.

They always say that small little things touches ur heart the most, and I so agree. Small little actions and small little words, my partner has recently done and said, really made me smile last weekend. I have to say I am very blessed.
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Blessed be the name of the Lord!
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Sunday, 20 September 2009

let go and let God.

I have been going through a bit of frustration these few weeks, and feeling useless about it. Knowing that there is nothing I can do, or knowing that I cannot overcome these obstacles in my life, except by praying. Ever had the feeling like the whole world is on your shoulders? Well, something like that, but not literally the whole world, but it was weighing me down emotionally, and tiring me out slowly. I do pray about it, but I guess, I remember God always said, let go and let God. I guess I never really did let go totally. So where am I leading to?

Supposedly was going to church on Sunday, but due to some unforseen circumstances, we went on Saturday instead. All God's plan, I believe, because have been bringign a friend's cousin to church with us, last minute couldn't make it on Sunday as well, and would like to go on Saturday. So it all works out.

Well, I stepped into church, and we were about 5mins late. They were already singing worship songs, so we found seats and joined it. When stepping in, I was suddenly overwhelmed by God's presence. When singing, I couldn't stop myself from crying. I felt as though God is hearing all my problems and frustrations, and these problems were taking a toll on me, while God is lifting them up, and asking me to let go and let him. The words "my hiding place, my sweet refuge, my treasure Lord, you are. My friend and king, annointed One, most holy" , i was singing it from my heart, that when ever I am in trouble, going through frustrations, I turn to him, to hide from the world, talk to Him. Of course, every now and then, I ask, where are You? He was right there, felt Him so strongly in church that I broke down and cried. That I just wanted to be in His arms, for him to comfort me, and tell me everything will be alright. I cried for a good 5-10 minutes, just stood there, hearing everyone singing, I jsut broke down.

It had been a long time since I felt something like that. So overwhelmed by the holy spirit. The problems will not go away, but I know He will be there to help me through it. I know He hears my prayers, my thoughts, my cries for help. And I shall learn to let go, and let God.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Its not about me

Yesterday's church service, something spoke to me. It reminded me of a conversation that I had with my housemate once, how she felt that her beliefs and her church were not one. How that people come to church hoping to help themselves, but what about others? Yesterday, Haydn said something that made me think about things. He said, why don't instead of thinking how this can help us, instead think about how we can help this. Instead of thinking how the church can help us, how we can contribute to the church to help others, and let it apply to our everyday life. Stop letting ourselves think how others/or factors can help us, but how we can help others,or contribute to society.

I used to like this song by Shannon Noll,

"Well there's a little boy waiting at the counter of a corner shop
He's been waiting down there, waiting half the day
They never ever see him from the top
He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground
He gets to his feet and he says

[CHORUS:]
What about me, it isn't fair
I've had enough now i want my share
Can't you see i wanna live
But you just take more than you give

Well there's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop
She's been waiting back there, waiting for her dreams
Her dreams walk in and out they never stop
Well she's not too proud to cry out loud
She runs to the street and she screams

[CHORUS]

So take a step back and see the little people
They may be young but they're the ones
That make the big people big
So listen, as they whisper
What about me

And now i'm standing on the corner all the world's gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And i'm feeling cold and alone
I guess i'm lucky, i smile a lot
But sometimes i wish for more than i've got

[Chorus]"

When I used to quarrel with my ex, I always thought, hey I'm giving it all I've got, why can't you give instead now? I always thought I was taken for granted, and my feelings weren't considered. It was always about me me me, always thinking I had given more. But I didn't stop to think, hey, maybe you are trying your best, but I don't see that. I was so blinded by the fact I thought I was giving more, but really was I? In the end, my ex told me before we broke, I was selfish and insensitive. I couldn't accept it, thinking how was I? I guess, perhaps I was. Takes me 4 years to really admit, perhaps I was.

It should no longer be what about me, but what about you. How can I help you? What can I do?

I haven't been the perfect friend, I should make that effort to keep in touch with many. I shouldn't just think about it, but should do it. I always fear what others may think about me. But really, why should I let it affect me? What is the worst that can happen? If I don't do it now, then when? When they are no longer around? Many happenings have recently happened that should have tell me to stop lingering around, but do something about it before one day I have no choice but to say, i should have, i could have. why let that day come or happen?

anyway to share what happened " my classmate's sister passed away, she was knocked down by a train, she was 20. my hsemate's classmate's mum passed away. my friend's schoolmate passed away" all within the span of 2 weeks. It is time I do something, not just sit around and say, I should have.

My life isn't just about me, but everyone around me. God didn't give me life so that I can only care about myself, but so that I can care for others. I need the courage now to make that first step.

Sunday, 02 August 2009

Friends

I came across this passage today, and not always do I come across things that I wanna share with those who still reads my blog (though I rarely update) but everytime I feel I have something to share, I would definitely blog it. Today's passage is about friends, how important they mean to us, and I really agree with what I have in bold. I only realised that as I am older, and I do treasure the few close friends I have.. their footprints have left a deep imprint on my heart.
So I dedicate this to my friends, you precious like diamonds to me, and your friendship is priceless.
"When I signed up for a popular Internet social network, I was shocked to be greeted with the words, “You have no friends.” Although I knew it was untrue, I still felt sad for a moment. The idea that anyone, even an impersonal Web site, would call me friendless was upsetting. Friends are essential for our emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.
Friends listen to our heartaches without blaming us for having problems. They defend us when we’re under attack. They are happy when we succeed and sad when we fail. They give us wise counsel to keep us from making foolish choices. They even risk making us angry for the sake of making us right. My friends have done all of this and more for me.
Perhaps the best-known friendship in the Bible is that of Jonathan and David. Jonathan was heir to the throne of his father Saul. But he knew that the Lord had chosen David for that role, so he risked his own life to save his friend (1 Sam. 20).
As the Bible shows us, we need to choose friends carefully (Prov. 12:26). The very best friends are those who are friends with God and who strengthen our relationship with Him (1 Sam. 23:16). — Julie Ackerman Link

I do not ask for many friends,
But give me, Lord, the few
Whose loyalty and faithfulness
Are first of all to You. —Meadows

True friends are like diamonds—precious and rare. "

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Draw me close to You

Listening to this song now "Draw me close to you"

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near

Brings me calm, and soothes everything that I'm going through. Though I'm in my office, I feel like singing this song out. Reminds me that Jesus is all that I ever want, He is all that I ever need.

Doubting everything I was doing yesterday night, wondering if I chose the right path. Praying and crying out to God, if this was really the path I was suppose to walk? If it is, then why do I feel as though things aren't going right? Waking up this morning, coming to uni, listening to songs of praise and worship, I am able to feel His presence so strongly.

No one knows really, if the path that they are walking down is the right one. If every decision made will be the one that He chooses. We are like a blind man walking, hoping he won't collide into something, fall into a hole, but we can only have faith like a blind man, believing that God will lead us, believing that there will be people around to help. I guess, I just need faith, faith in Him. I made my first step to trust Him, and He has never failed me. Things happen that makes me question Him, but I just have to believe He has a better reason.

If I lose faith, if I doubt, if I am lost, I pray that I will always remember to ask Him to draw me close to Him, and never to let me go, I pray I will always find a way back to Him.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Michael Jackson

Waking up today, to a sadden news, the passing on of one of the world's greatest legend, Michael Jackson, King of Pop. A terrible lost to the world it has been, Michael Jackson, one of the finest in the music industry.

Upon hearing the devastating news, I can't help it but feel sad. I won't say I am his biggest fan, but I definitely enjoyed his music. When they couldn't confirm his death at the beginning, I was so hoping he will survive, he will be fine. It is so hard to believe that he is dead. Listening to his songs played on the radio, it is hard to come to terms that he is gone. It is a tragic news to the music industry.

However, even though he is gone, his music will definitely be remembered by many. His legacy will continue, and his songs will always be played. I hope people remember the good things of his, and forget the bad. He is definitely a gift to this world, the king of pop. His music will live forever.

Michael Jackson, rest in peace. You're with Him now, in that better place. You will live on in our hearts, while your music will live on in our life. You are loved by many, and you will be greatly missed.

Thursday, 14 May 2009

A lie

Have you ever felt that you're living life a lie? Do you know how it feels to be living a lie?

Time after time, I feel like I'm sick of hiding, hiding from this whole world. Why can't be myself? Why am I afraid of how people view me or judge me? Why am I going through this whole cycle over and over again?

I'd like to come out to everyone, to be honest with everyone. But I remember once I did, not only did I hurt others, but I hurt myself as well, and back into the shell I went. I always asked my friends this, why does it matter what sexuality I am? Aren't I still the same person despite my sexuality? You have known me for xx years, does it change the fact about who I am just because I tell you my sexuality? Probably this is why, I don't come out to everyone, because I'd rather people be comfortable with who I am, and know me for who I am, and not just their impression of me, just because of my sexuality.

Another reason why I can't totally come out, is because I cannot go through what I ever went through again before. It will feel like my whole world is crashing down. I can't expect everyone to understand, to accept who I am. But I cannot go through what I ever once went through again. But I don't know how much longer I can remain in a closet, because living my life as a lie, is killing me.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

shout it out

Crappiness.. I feel like heading to the beach, and shout it all out, 喊出我的烦恼.. oo which makes me think of a song

" <<我最近比较烦 >>

(黄)最近比较烦比较烦比较烦
    总觉得日子过得有一些极端
    我想我还是不习惯
    从默默无闻到有人喜欢
    (周)最近比较烦比较烦比较烦
    总觉得钞票一天比一天难赚
    朋友常常有意无意调侃
    我也许有天改名叫周转
    (李)最近比较烦比较烦比较烦
    我看那前方怎么也看不到岸
    那个后面还有一班天才追赶
    哎唷写一首皆大欢喜的歌是越来越难
    (黄)最近比较烦比较烦比较烦
    陌生的城市何处有我的期盼
    挥别了家乡的伙伴现在的我更觉得孤单
    (周)最近比较烦比较烦比较烦
    女儿说六加六结果等于十三
    我问老段说怎么办他说基本上这个很难
    (李)最近比较烦比你烦也比你烦
    我梦见和饭岛爱一起晚餐
    梦中的餐厅灯光太昏暗
    我遍寻不着那蓝色的小药丸
    (周)人生总有远的近的麻烦
    太太每天嫌我回家太晚
    (黄)女友妈妈嫌我长得寒酸
    虽然我已每天苦干实干
    (合)管它什么天大麻烦
    久而久之我会习惯
    天下没有不要钱的午餐
    (李)太太发现秘书裙子很短
    她就买了八千块的耳环
    (周)女儿太胖儿子不肯吃饭
    (黄)车子太烂银行没存款
    (合)麻烦麻烦麻烦麻烦麻烦
    我很麻烦麻烦麻烦麻烦
    (合)最近比较烦比较烦我比较烦
    (李)我的头发只剩从前的一半
    (周)每天的工作排得太满
    (黄)台北的女生有些高不可攀
    (合)最近比较烦比较烦比较烦
    (周)我只是心烦却还没有混乱
    (黄)你们的关心让我温暖
    (李)家是我最甘心的负担
    (合)不烦我不烦只有一点烦你比我烦
    (周)我情愿心甘我不烦
    (合)不烦我不烦我不烦我不烦
    我只有一点烦你和我一样我不烦
    不烦我不烦我真的不烦
    我不烦不烦(李)人生很灿烂灿烂
    (合)我不烦不烦你比我烦
    你比我烦你比较烦你比较烦
    我不烦我一点不烦我不烦"
Sigh.. i lost my feeling of blogging.. got so much to rant.. but ranting aimlessly.. feel like saying life sucks.. but truthfully i know it doesn't.. haven't been to the beach for a long long time.. maybe i should go.. breathe some fresh air.. take a stroll.. and clear my mind.. perhaps i won't be so crappy after that..
timeout

I lost my phone, and then I found it again. Really wished I loose it, and remain un-contactable.

Been spending alot of time on my own, been very anti-social. I enjoy being with friends, but yet I like my own time as well. I can't clique with everyone, or perhaps, I just put up this barrier, where I don't get close with people. I'd like to be genuine, but can't when others aren't. Maybe being alone, will allow me not to see the ugly side of others, and others not to see the ugly side of me. At least, so that I can try and not to judge them, and find excuses for their behaviour. Also, I'd like to be myself, be comfortable when I'm with others, and that's when I miss my times with my friends back home. I'm very self-conscience of how others view me, and when I'm like that, I'm highly uncomfortable.

Where is this whole post leading to? Anyway, as they all said, better to have a few close and genuine friends, rather than many friends but none real. I saw something that was not meant for my eyes, and I'd rather had not seen it. maybe that is why I didn't completely read it, and perhaps, it had some other meaning behind it. When was it when things were like that? I don't remember, because it was way too childish for me to remember. Perhaps, this is why I enjoyed my JC life, more than sec school, because no one cared, we were just there for each other, even till now. Whereas, too many secrets go on in sec school, making it highly uncomfortable to be around.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

" Lord, help me to stay close to You
And trust You more each day,
So when the storms of life appear
I will not drift away. —Sper "

I should imprint these words, into my heart, so that I will forever remember them. I remember how it feels to have woken up one day, and realised how far I am from God. Would I want to be far from Him again? I would rather not. Not everything in life is explanatory, especially not one's relationship with God.

A radio station has been playing this advertisement for awhile now, and they begin with asking a question " If you could ask God one question, what would it be? " There were several questions posted on air, like are you really out there? do you really exist? I would never be able to answer these questions, like if someone were to ask me, how do you know that God is really out there? Jokingly, I'll probably say, no He isn't, He is right beside me now. The truth, He is all around us, but how do I know, I don't know, I just do.

"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “move from here to there” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Mathew 17:20 "

Believe in the power of prayer, have faith.